When you've dealt with depression for a large portion of time, you sort of get used to the feeling of being off kilter.  Things that used to be easy, aren't.  Relationships take more work.  Work takes more out of you.  Simple things like cooking supper can feel like climbing a mountain.  And this is just how it is....a resignation of sorts. You begin to know yourself by your 'new normal.' You become redefined, and nobody asked you if that's what you wanted.

You begin to see yourself with different eyes.  Looking back on who you were when you had more energy...concentration...patience...motivation.  You pine for those days, sometimes, when things came easier and the fight to just get out of bed and do the simple things didn't take so much out of you.  And then you're jolted back to reality and the re-realization that you're not who you once were.

But then the voice of God begins to peck it's way through the dark shroud that veils your soul.  He starts to whisper, "My Love, who you were before isn't who you are now, but I'm calling you deeper and deeper into Me, and I will change you and make you new, despite the dark night you're in.  This isn't the end."

And you want to believe it with every fiber of your being.  You long for answers and change and light and ease.  And you believe He is able to bring that.  You just don't know when.  You don't see the light coming, and you barely hear His voice. 

And when it feels like you've all but forgotten who you truly are, when the last shred of hope has begun to take flight, He lifts your chin and whispers again, "You're mine.  I will never leave you nor forsake you.  I have bought you with a price.  You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you."*

Then you begin to understand that you aren't called to be who you once were.  You're called to something new, something deeply important, something real and raw and healing and good.  You won't be who you once were.  You can't.  The butterfly can never again become the caterpillar. 

Could your pain be your healing?  Could the weight on your shoulders be making you strong in ways you never dreamed of?  Could this death bring life? 

This is your inheritance.

Remember not the former things,
nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? 
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert. {Isaiah 43:18-19}

*{Heb. 13:5b, 1 Cor. 6:20b, Isa. 43:4}