Can People Pleasers Truly Love Others Well?

Ufff. 

Did you cringe when you read that question? I cringed at it, and it's my own question.

This is a hard one, folks. Of all the things we want in this life, love tops the list. But do we want to GIVE love as much as we want to receive it? I've asked myself this question numerous times.

In my humanity, I can't say yes. Thankfully, I am able to operate out of something other than depraved humanity. And you can, too.

As believers, we have a new heart, as Ezekiel prophesies:

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 36:26 NIV

This is very good news.

If, like me, you struggle with people pleasing or codependency, you may have noticed that loving others well is more challenging than you really want to admit. 

At the core of a people pleaser (or codependent) sits a terror strong enough to rip any of us apart: the fear of rejection and abandonment.

Did you know what drives that fear?

Lack of identity.  

When we don't know who we are, we go to great lengths to make sure we can be everything to everybody.

When we don't know WHOSE we are, we believe all the work of life and growth is up to us.

So we go about making sure that we're somehow appealing to everyone we encounter, and when we discover we're not, we double down our efforts, determined not only to apologize profusely for whatever surely must have been our fault, but to increase our people-pleasing effectiveness overall.

Do you know what kind of love that is?

(I'm cringing already.)

Self-love.

In fact, I don't even think I'd call it self-love. A better term would be "self-obsession."

Yuck, right?

Can I tell you the really amazing good news about this??

You. Don't. Have. The. Power. To. Do. Anything. Better.

I know it doesn't sound like good news, but it's the best news you could ever receive in your entire people-pleasing-plagued life!

But it requires something that's going to mess with that core terror inside your soul...

TRUST.

First, trusting God with ourselves. Our REAL selves.

Second, trusting OTHERS with ourselves. Our REAL selves.

Sound scary?  

Honestly, I wouldn't expect it to sound like anything else.

Listen closely: what's the alternative?

Trying harder.

No, thanks. I'm over the try-hard life, my friends, and I pray that for you, too.

Until next time,

Heather