After more than a decade as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I can tell you a few things with certainty:
1) The vast majority of marriages truly can be salvaged (in my opinion).
2) The biggest obstacle that most people face in marriage is their own selfishness, not their partner’s.
(Before I go on, I want to explain very clearly that I am not writing to women and men in abusive marriages. If you are being physically or psychologically harmed by your spouse, this article is not for you, and I URGE you to seek help immediately.)
That may be a very hard sentence to read. There were years in my life where I would have run the other direction if someone told me my biggest issue was my own selfishness. But now, standing on the other side of my own marital struggle, in addition to helping others walk through marriage challenges, I can testify that the one key ingredient to any success that’s been had - in others or myself - is humility.
Humility isn’t easy to come by....
I was puzzled early on. We were newlyweds, and he had professed his undying love to me in front of all our friends and family, yet something was strangely missing. When my birthday came around, only a month and a half after our wedding day, I had sort of expected something special to happen.
Instead, he bought me shoes. From Payless.
Okay, so shoes are good, I like shoes, but the whole thing was a bit odd.
I would ask him what his favorite food was, or his favorite song. I wanted to store up this information for later use on birthdays or anniversaries. Eager to get to know my new hubby better, I asked him lots of these questions.
But his answer was always, “I don’t know.”
I was perplexed. As a woman who has lots of favorite things, knows what she wants, and isn’t afraid to tell people what that is, this was new, foreign territory. I didn’t like it.
I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just needed to think about it for a while....
The feelings had been churning in my soul for well over a week. A bitter irritability set in and I found myself snapping at my loved ones because I felt used and unseen.
I texted some friends, asking for prayer, putting just a few words to my troubles. They prayed.
The gnawing ache remained….disgust over an ongoing issue with food I have, confusion over how good I feel professionally yet how “off” I’d been feeling inside, shame over my prayer life having tanked over the past couple weeks, and a general sense of “I just can’t get it right”…
Suddenly the words exhaled out of my soul, “Jesus, I just can’t do this. I can’t. I don’t even want to.”
And there it was; the piece I’d been missing all this frustrating time. Brokenness.
At that moment, my world seemed to right itself a bit. It’s not up to me to figure out.
As a woman who considers herself very competent,...
It felt like death. The stark realization that my marriage would never be the thing I wanted it to be.
The emotional intimacy…the romantic connection…the relaxed familiarity of a friend. It just didn’t seem possible. Instead of intimacy and connection, our reality was surface conversation, forgotten birthdays and anniversaries, and stony silence.
It was the death of my biggest dream. Marriage was what I had looked most forward to when I daydreamed about growing up.
And I thought it was over. I mean, once the feelings are gone, they’re gone, right?
But then I heard some words that changed my perspective, ever so slowly. Words, which, over the span of months, and even years, leaked into my soul, through the cracks of my hardened and broken heart. Words that don’t sound all that hopeful at first blush, but that have the power to change perspective if given a fair chance:
All natural love dies.
Honestly, I didn’t really get it. Sure, I knew that the...