Complete

Recently, the old hymn, "Jesus Paid it All" was part of our church’s Sunday morning song set.  I've sung it dozens of times in my life, but this time a single word grabbed my attention like it never had before.  It went like this, And when, before the throne, I stand in Him complete, "Jesus died my soul to save," my lips shall still repeat.

"Complete."

Holy Spirit blew over me and my heart heard Him say, "One day, you'll be complete. You hurt immensely today, but remember, you'll step into My completeness one day."  It was more than I could handle at that moment and the tears streamed.  Complete. 

Most days I feel very, very incomplete.  Between wishing I had more time to spend in the Word, wishing I'd been able to actually finish the laundry last night, and wishing that the 40 pounds I gained in the last few years would instantaneously melt off my body, I feel exceedingly incomplete. But that isn’t even the half of it.

I've spent my whole life striving under the pressure to perform.  The pressure to make myself into someone acceptable, likeable....loveable.  The pressure to arrange for whatever pleasure, love, and satisfaction I can get out of this stingy world.  And I'm tired.  I'm worn out.  I don't have the strength to carry on in an existence that always screams for more of me and delivers little in return.

Some days, it’s a faintness of heart that causes my soul to grow weary.  Other days, it’s the desire to be loved in the most satisfying way possible – the way I know IS possible, because Heaven is written in my DNA.  But the ache.  The ache that is deep and profound and sometimes screams to be healed and made whole.  

And the grief.

During a very savory conversation with a friend of my soul, just the other day, he made the comment about the grief Jesus walked around with likely every day of his 33 years.  Jesus knew humanity, and he knew the limitations of our love.  He also knew the Father, and the extravagance of the Father’s Love.  And, oh, can you fathom what it would have been like for him to have gone from the fullness - no, completeness - of the Perfect Love of the Trinity for all eternity, to take on flesh and swim with us in the sea of fallen love? 

When Peter jumped out of the boat (John 21:7) and swam to Jesus in full-on abandon – the best that he could offer, and yet still fallen, human love – Jesus must have felt the sting of grief at the incompleteness of the act.  

One day, I'll be loved the way I’ve always longed to be, instead of arranging and hoping and fearing; and it won't be due to the fact that I did something right or didn't do something wrong.  And on the flip side of that, one day I will LOVE the way I’ve always longed to love, instead of hiding my true feelings, and editing my thoughts. The grief of incomplete love will be washed away and the utter joy of complete love will wash over me. 

“[We] groan inwardly and wait eagerly…” Rom 8:23

Paul’s words couldn’t describe me more fully. 

So on those days when my sin feels like it might just overtake me, and my soul is bruised and worn, I find sweet solace in the reminder that some day, some day, this grief, this suffering, this incompleteness will be wiped from my memory, to be replaced with True Love, pure joy, and utter completion.

"Come, Lord Jesus."