On Becoming a Thinking Christian

I became a Christian just before my 19th birthday. I took a lot of things at face value back then. I trusted my leaders and jumped in face-first. I devoured Bible studies, and attended every Sunday morning service and worship event that were available to me as a college student. There were a lot of things I didn’t know back then, and a lot of things I wish someone had been able to explain to me.

For example, the idealist I am thought the notion of a man being the spiritual leader of his family was romantic. Additionally, I assumed that when Scripture talked about those who wouldn’t enter Heaven, it was a cut-and-dried statement (See 1 Corinthians )

And worst of all (for me, personally), I read that God “hates divorce,” and assumed it meant that no matter how awful a situation, divorcing your spouse somehow meant you were subsequently on the outs with God.

But then I got a divorce at the age of 23 from a man I didn’t even want to marry in the first place. I only went through with it because we’d made some mistakes, if you will, and in my young, un-discipled faith, I believed that if we married, it would ‘right that wrong’.

As I type those words now, it occurs to me how backwards my thinking was, as if my actions could somehow make atonement in the way I wanted. Godless.

I might be labeled a heretic for what I’m about to write, but I will write it anyway because I know it to be true.

I was caught in the middle of a strange belief that God hates divorce and in order to follow Him, I was destined to live out my years utterly miserable and the victim of what I would later discover was emotional and spiritual abuse, AND the fact that it was actually God who allowed me to see that there was grace for me in this area of my life and He was giving me permission to leave the relationship.

There, I said it. No stoning, please.

So I filed for divorce.

And entered seminary.

And became a marriage and family therapist. (Do you seen Romans 8:28 at work here? I do.)

What happened over the next 15 years taught me to become a “thinking Christian” if you will.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Christian faith-based practice, I can work with whatever types of client I choose. These days I see men and women individually, and couples at all stages of the marital lifespan from dating and pre-marital counseling to those who say, “we’re going to get divorced but we wanna give it one last shot.” And everything in between.

A few years ago, I began to notice that in one area of my life, my words and work as a woman was highly sought after and esteemed. But in another area of my life - the conservative churches I attended - my words and work as a woman was not highly sought after, nor esteemed. I began to see that only men were allowed to teach or facilitate groups of adults, even if they weren’t qualified to do so. (Apparently, I had chosen to ignore this fact when my husband and I decided to become members. Denial is a powerful tool.)

I felt small. Worthless. I have a deep desire and drive to teach, facilitate, moderate, whatever. And I believe it’s a gift from God. A calling on my life. The church was telling me I could use my gifts in ONE place, but not another. The pastor kindly asked the elders if they would permit me to teach in my area of expertise, and I was “approved.” But honestly, that felt worse.

So I started reading and researching, and discovered that maybe the verses we’ve taken at face value don’t mean what they seem to mean…since they were written for another culture….in another time…for a baby church that was trying to figure out life.

I’m not here to tell the church that divorce shouldn’t be a big deal; it is a big deal and should be approached seriously.

But I AM here to say that Scripture has been used as a bludgeoning tool by those whose spiritual and relational maturity doesn’t match their office.

Words from the mature, wise, and relationally intentional man or woman regularly bring life.

Those very same words, uttered by the impassioned and immature, often bring death.

Have I been the impassioned and immature to others in my life? Unfortunately, I’m certain I have. Do I regret this fact? Utterly.

Am I calling all pastors, elders, or churches who teach conservative values immature? Not at all. I am conservative at heart.

What I believe is necessary, especially in this moment in time, is grace-filled conversations laced with curiosity and generosity. Can we be kind, and still call sin, sin? Yes. Can we have hard conversations and walk away with friendships still in tact? I whole-heartedly believe so.

Can we keep the faith AND stop harming those who struggle?

"Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?” Romans 2:4 NLT

There are a lot more thoughts to unpack, but for now, I will leave it at that.

Until next time.

Thoughtfully yours,

Heather