Depression and Men

O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. I am a worm and not a man, scorned by mankind and despised by the people. I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax; it is melted within my breast; my strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to my jaws; you lay me in the dust of death. (Psalm 22: 2, 6, 14-15 ESV)

King David was called ‘a man after God’s own heart’, and it is quite clear from his words in this Psalm that he struggled with some very dark emotions.  He was likely depressed at many junctures of his life.  

However, David, unlike the majority of men in our modern age, had the freedom to feel the way he did.  He had the liberty to write poetry and song to express his despair.  Our men, by and large, do not have this freedom.  

It’s not “manly.”  

Not only is it often considered weakness to express difficult emotions, most men grow up without ever being given the language with which to do it.

No language means silence.  Silence means suffering.  

And a suffering man isn’t an isolated phenomenon.  When he’s depressed, it affects the entire family.  It’s often the wife who cries out for help first.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION IN MEN?*

FRUSTRATION AND ANGER

A man’s depression rarely looks like a woman’s.  That’s why it’s often undiagnosed.  While women tend to experience the sadness and low mood typically associated with depression, most men will report their primary emotion being frustration or anger.  These irritating emotions lead to a short-fused man, sometimes given to lashing out when provoked, or to sitting in stony silence.

CHECKING OUT OF LIFE

One thing that I hear universally from these wives is the emotional vacancy of their men.  

“Every free moment his face was in his iPhone, looking at Facebook or Craigslist, while the TV was on a few feet away.  His phone was the first thing he looked at in the morning and the last thing he saw before shutting his eyes at night.  Our children didn’t receive much from him, and if I said anything to him about putting his phone away, he became angry and turned it back on me.  I’ve never been so lonely in the presence of another.”

“I found a stash of alcohol in the garage.  It was conveniently hidden behind some unsuspecting snacks in the extra fridge. He spent most nights sleeping on the couch, falling asleep while watching some late night show.  I went to bed alone, with barely a word from him.”

Men suffering from depression are also prone to work-aholism, gambling, pornography addictions, and alcohol or drug abuse.  To escape the awful feelings inside, he self-medicates using some sort of substance, even something as innocent as his work, to find some semblance of relief. However, the frustration and anguish return, making him vulnerable to the monster inside of him that would probably subside if he were able to expose it.

EXHAUSTION

Many men in the throes of depression feel exhausted no matter how much they sleep.  Many suffer from sleep disorders, which aggravate the depression.  One man even said that he avoided going to sleep, knowingly, as another act of avoidance.

FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS

Men, overall, deal with the existential fear of being found to be a fraud.  Most live with this daily.  In a depressed state, this fear expands to feelings of worthlessness, even self-loathing.  Usually the undergirding issue is perceived loss of purpose.  With depression comes less energy, leading to less productivity, even lowered libido.  In our do-or-die world, where worth is based on activity and accomplishment, this spells F-A-I-L-U-R-E to him.

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

For some, desperation sets in and thoughts turn very dark.  While more women attempt suicide due to depression, men are more likely to die by suicide.  

WHAT CAN I DO AS HIS WIFE?

As you’re aware, it’s common that you’ll notice changes in him before he will.  Many men don’t recognize the symptoms or know where to get help.  It’s incredibly common for a man to despise the idea of asking for help.  

But you can tell him you’re concerned, and that you’ve noticed changes.

Listen.  Be gentle.  Men are generally much less ‘tough’ than we’ve all been taught to assume.  

Remind him there’s nothing to be ashamed of, and that you don’t think any less of him for feeling out of sorts.  

Ask him if he would seek out counseling or a check-up with his doctor.  If he doesn’t have a doctor, ask friends and family in the area for recommendations.  We are all generally more willing to see a doctor suggested to us, rather than picking one out of the directory.  

Most importantly, speak to him as soon as you are able.  Don’t let this continue.  Depression doesn’t usually get better on its own, especially the type of covert depression we’re talking about here, which often flies under the radar for months, if not years.

*The symptoms I’ve included above are not an exhaustive list.  They are common symptoms in men versus women.  For a full diagnosis, contact your primary care provider or mental health practitioner.  This list information is not meant to take place of a face-to-face visit with your healthcare professional, only to help those affected understand more about men and depression.